Community - in response to Marcus

Sometimes I retrospectively discover I've written the first draft of a blog post in the comment section of an interesting article or story. This weekend as I explored the conversations around The High Calling staff retreat at Laity Lodge, I found this:

I confess, I’m tired of hearing about “online community.”
I’m tired of so much shallow implementation of the concept.
So just forget online community for a moment. Help me understand community itself. The concrete kind of community where you eat together, work together, and play together. Where are you actively working to build community with others? What specific things are you doing?
- Marcus Goodyear on Community Growth, Engagement, Commitment, and Boredom

(And, you do need to read the post for context. He included a lot of positive thoughts in there, too.) ...

Today's sketch and a word. - Can you read it?

Marcus's post brought to mind a conversation from my own experience at Laity. Absorbed in the welcoming warmth of this group of strangers, I turned to a new friend and said something along the lines of, "It's amazing! It's just like online community, only face to face!" to which I received a surprised look and the impression of, "I certainly hope it's better than that!"

Perhaps I'm odd, but I can set my tangible next-door relationships side by side with the virtual friendships I've cherished over the years, and there is very little difference in the possible depth of connection. In fact, it's far more likely I'll find such connections online. How mutual support is expressed may vary depending on the person and their culture ... but those variables are so complex that one could debate forever on their value without even touching on virtual interactions.

Below is a much-edited and hopefully improved version of the very-long-comment provoked by Marcus's post.

Community grows through personal interaction over a span of time. It grows through quiet conversation, laughter and song, work and play. How is this put into practice? I can only give examples of things people have done that gave me confidence in the reality of our relationship, which I now seek to emulate wherever I find myself, online or "in the real world."

1. Decide it's worth the time to build relationships. Invest yourself, even if only in one community.
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2. Choose to converse privately even if you could just post a public message on facebook or in blog comments. Focused personal interaction trumps social chatter, even with the same content. (Public conversation invites others to participate, which is another sort of good thing.)
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3. Invite friends to join you in places that encourage interactive conversations. Instant messaging, phone calls, and email let you clarify and deepen conversation just as much as sharing a pot of tea in person. Transparency and interest in each other are the vital factors. (You can meet face to face on a daily basis and never meaningfully connect if one or both are hiding, self-promoting, or performing a role.)
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4. Forums and chat rooms are great for group discussions. Return and interact instead of dropping a thought and leaving, never to return. It's easier to speak up on the topic and be heard in those settings, than it is to communicate the same thoughts in a crowded room full of people, all talking.
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5. Let yourself be fascinated by differences instead of angered by them. Try to understand how they came to their conclusions and approach it from their perspective. Let their differences inspire you to new progress in your own growth and development.
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6. Make sure you are open to the deeper levels of who someone is, and not expecting them to fulfill your image of what they are, even if that image is positive. Don’t accept the superficial communication or response. Ask questions. Offer a listening ear.
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7. Above all, be trustworthy. When someone opens their true self to you, they are placing their most valuable treasure in your hands ... even if they don't know it. Remember it is not yours to shape, but only to appreciate. You stand in the workroom of a Master every time. You can only share the work that is being done in your life, not ensure it happens to them, too.
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8. Actually DO something meaningful or encouraging when you know someone is down or in need. Send tangible gifts. Write thoughtful and personalized messages or even a story or poem just for them. Be transparent about similar struggles or failures you have encountered, and the growth that came from them.
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9. Don't pretend to have the answers. Pray when you say you’ll pray. Check back and see how things are going. Be near even when you can't fix anything.
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10. Let others know when you see a natural ability or notice improvement in a honed skill.
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11. Share opportunities with each other, or even create opportunities for each other.
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12. Celebrate each other’s successes. Cheer each other on toward dreams and goals. Share and recommend each other’s thoughts and work when you find them to be meaningful.
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13. Keep an open space for the visitor. Welcome new perspectives and let them challenge you into clearer vision or open new paths. Avoid natural insular and cliquish tendencies. Draw others into your enjoyment of each other.
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14. Choose to value the potential in networks of interconnected communities. Nobody can be close to everyone, but everyone can draw the benefits of their external relationships into every community they enter. This way the qualities of each group flow through the whole.
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15. Thoughtfully promote friends to your other circles of influence. Introduce your friends to each other or share their ideas and accomplishments.
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16. Organize group resources for a cause or larger purpose, and look for ways everyone can contribute their skills and creative work beyond the financial aspect.
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17. Come up with goofy games and crazy plans. Joke and laugh together. Create inside jokes, and then try to explain them to newcomers. (At the very least, they may want to be in on the next one.)
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18. Get together personally if possible. Save, plan, and sacrifice to do so.
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19. Expect change and let it happen naturally, without forcing it. Don’t set too rigid a restraint on the direction it may go. No one can predict what is best … but everyone can discover unexpected benefits along the way.
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20. Separation is part of growth, too. Let people move on and start new communities, knowing all of their connections (including you) will benefit from those endeavors one way or another.