I'm still talking, even when I'm silent.

It's funny how this cycle goes. (And I don't laugh.) I can make a list a mile long on why I blog, why I write, and why it's okay not to be widely read or generally understood in the process of writing said blog. because all that is up to God anyway. And I believe that list not because I constructed it, but because people I love/trust/encouraged built that list for me, and the top of the list is this:

God uses me even when I don't know how he does it.

This is why I'm writing about voice on a day when I'm certain I sound like a frog.

So, today if you could hear my "voice" (of which they speak in the writing world) that "revelation of confidence" that carries well into the silence because it is real and true, the sound might scrape your ears ... or unpredictably fall completely silent. Losing your voice does that, even when you're talking about the literal vocal chords, affected by allergies and congestion, or screaming too loud at a game..... You know.

You see, that list I mentioned (that long list of reasons I believe are true) is also the reason I live every day. I blog for the same reason I live. I know ... I'm being vague. But it has something to do with using a talent instead of hiding it away out of fear of losing it. (As a side note, the slow-setting sun just came out from behind clouds and side-lit the street outside my windows. My sheer curtains caught copper-fire for just a moment, and God reminded me that just because I don't always see the sun doesn't mean it isn't there.)

Can I call living a talent?

I live in a crowd of voices, and there are some loud voices very close to me that tell me I am wasting "the talents God REALLY gave me" by pursuing these "purely selfish" talents and spending "too much" time on art and blogging. You've heard of these better talents, too, if you've been anywhere near a traditional Bible-believing group of women recently. Things like cooking, cleaning, micro-managing every aspect of the lives of my children, serving my husband as a dependable wife ... ah, you see? You might not disagree with these voices yourself, if you heard them.

But these voices don't stop finding more that is wrong even when I acknowledge the value of said talents, talk to God about how to treasure them, and pour more time and interest into nurturing and growing them. Instead they grow louder. They have been heard and they have made a change. (It is a heady feeling to consider oneself capable of influencing -and pressuring- someone else into being a better person according to one's own personal -yet somehow generic- list of top ten character qualities one expects of any [insert Christian/social category of people here].) I get to break the rules of parenthesis for a good cause, right?

I feel the burn of condemnation. It isn't pleasant even if some of their points are deserved and accurate. And so I feel like I'm losing my voice. It's interesting how I can set a few loud voices and their varying lists of "things wrong with your voice" next to fifty+ who all clearly affirm each other's points as to why this voice is a gift from God ... and I fall silent and question the fifty.

• Because I know I'm not perfect. (The fifty+ affirm this point, they just don't consider it a deal-breaker for a profitable life since God is part of the equation and overwhelms all my contributions anyway.)
• Because I know I need to grow up ... a lot. (see above)
• Because I want to perfectly love my kids, perfectly care for my home, be approved by everyone ... ah, yes, EVERYONE. (I do know this isn't possible, but it's a sticky fantasy that doesn't leave easily ... especially when people use Bible verses to make their points about how I'm not living up to these expectations.)
• Because I don't want to make a mistake or be wrong ... EVER? (like that's going to happen)

I'll stop. You've probably had similar conversations with yourself in the past, also. (It's nice to assume I'm not alone, but the fact is ... I've read your blogs, so I know.)

All this to say ... Well, I'm still talking.

See, no matter how far down I go into the depths of despair, God is still there. I assume this even though I can't see it, because I've lived under a cloud before, and eventually he broke through ... and he used the rain, too. I'm pretty sure this is why Jesus calls himself both Light and Living Water ... though there are many other reasons as well.

And when my curtains catch fire for a moment on a cloudy day ... well, that's just an added blessing that proves the sun was there all along. It helps when friends who are currently standing in a non-cloudy place confirm it.

It also helps that most of the loud-condemning voices are doing their best to love me.... And that there are many equally loud voices maintaining that long list of reasons they've told me before that support why I live and blog as a gift  from God ... and that the list is equally applicable to relationships and home. I can grow. I can stop wasting time (and I do ... waste time, that is) and use that time for the aspects of these many "talents" and value them as the gifts they are.

And I can be imperfect and wrong I AM imperfect and wrong. Trying to act perfect and right is just deluding myself, even if some people are convinced by it. I know I'm making choices because I'm under pressure to go a certain way ... and the moment the pressure lets up, I'll stop. I'm not sure how to sort out where I'm wrong and where they are mistaken in their intentions. Or whether I'm deluding myself ... that nagging feeling that they are completely right continues to exist, even if I don't buy it completely.

Do I have to know for sure before I move forward?

I am confused, and even though I am broken up because of that confusion, I'm still talking because I'm convinced God uses broken people ... even when they lose their literary voice.

And,... I'm linking this at the Faith Barista where you will find many other viewpoints on voice linked together for your reading and writing convenience.

What are your thoughts on VOICE? Where does it come from?

I've made all the images used in this post available as free gifts for you to download and print for personal use. Here is my flickr account, where you will find everything I've made available (more to come) under a non-commercial creative commons license (personal, non-profit use) with attribution (link to me if you share the image). I'm told several of these paintings make excellent cards for encouragement and so forth.

Stepping Stones of Truth

The link-paths I sometimes follow become their own story. The High Calling sent me to Steph(in)Dialogue to read her thoughts on the truth hidden behind the false-front-support people sometimes offer toward sex trafficking, while their personal choices make the claim a lie. I felt an angry sorrow and inner condemnation of such foolish choices as I tracked through comments and continued on to read part one of her article.

From there, still feeling supportive of her message and superior to "those who really need to hear it," I followed a link to a the site of The Pink Cross Foundation where I inwardly applauded the efforts of this group to help those who are trapped in a lifestyle that destroys them. I clicked on their featured article list
...
and suddenly Steph's words turned on me!

Not that I'm tempted by porn--thankfully God has protected me from that specific enactment of the sin-nature that roils within--but I found my heart shockingly exposed all the same.

It's easy to point at a sin I'm not at all inclined toward and say, "At least I'm not like THAT." But I discovered something as I read Mike's article about the struggle with sin and truth that broke him and taught him to fight temptation. I saw my own sin down at the core ... self-centered ... prideful ... desire to have my own way ... and Oh! I no longer feel so clean, knowing my life bears the key symptoms of the disease I had condemned in others just moments before.

First read Mike's inversion of 1 Cor. 14:4-7 as quoted below (visit the whole article if you can), take a moment to read the original verses to see a clear portrait of Christ, and then check the mirror to see which one you look like.

Pride is impatient; it always wants its way, now. It is unkind, especially to those closest
to it. Pride brags, and is arrogant. Pride always seeks what it wants, and, due to its hair–
trigger action, is easily provoked. Pride takes into account many wrongs suffered, both
real and imagined, unless it is to Pride’s benefit to invoke false humility. Pride rejoices
with the truths it likes and rebels against those that confront it. Pride bears little, believes
in itself, hopes in the approval of others, and endures for adulation.  

From Of Porn and Pride Part 1 by  Mike Genun.

We are apt to say that because a man has natural ability, therefore he will make a good
Christian. It is not a question of our equipment but of our poverty, not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us…The comradeship of God is made up of men who know their
poverty.- Oswald Chamber
(Re-quote from part 2 of Mike's article.)

I, for one, am very thankful Christ has offered to replace and live in and through me, especially after yet another glimpse of how easily I deceive myself ... in the same ways Ashton and David Letterman did when they prompted Steph's post, even if it isn't quite so public an unveiling. What about you?

What do I do?

Matthew E. May asked what is on the back of my business card in his most recent blog post. I don't have one yet, but the inner question is still worth answering. Beyond the simple job classification or title, what is the heart behind what I do in life?

I was surprised at how hard it was to condense the thoughts into a short paragraph. Even a few months ago I would not have known the answer, but I've been pondering this concept a lot recently ... though I was thinking from the direction of finding value and meaning in what I do to understand why it is worth doing.

Here is "the back of my business card" for now. I expect the thought will mature as I live it, but I don't think the core will change too much.

I find God's beauty in life, in light or shadows, in ideas, life, perspectives, and people. I share these discoveries so others may appreciate them, and participate in promoting and nurturing all that is good and lovely.

Questions They Don't Answer

You thought you pulled the covering
and blinded me from view
and answered with a positive
to change all that I knew,
but because you said sufficient
doesn't mean it is that way
stop answering my questions
with empty words and phrase.

You told me what you wanted
and I understood intent.
You never would confirm it,
so I'm not sure what you meant.
That time I tried to realize
the truth you said you held,
but when I touched the surface,
the illusion thinned and fell.

You fear my questions, don't you?
You don't know what to say.
Your confidence is shallow
and you hide it with blind faith.
The truth that I am seeking
can hold these questions firm
and doesn't shake or shatter
when I'm just trying to learn.

So let me search for answers
if you want me to believe,
and let me test the waters
so I know you don't deceive.
I may stumble in error,
but if truth is real I'll land
and bloody fallen knees
upon the stone beneath your sand.

Free Gifts to Share

I'm giving my art away.

This is no drawing for a winner or time-limited-so-act-now offer. Over the next few weeks I'll be gradually uploading the files for most of the digital paintings I've made over the past few years, making them permanently available for you to use online or download and print for personal use, frame as a gift, craft, encourage friends, or brighten a child's day. I believe it is important to benefit others with the gifts we are given, and one of the gifts God gave me is the ability to draw and paint.


I'm still learning what my art is "for" in the larger sense of the word. It is valuable; I've no doubt. Art is a means of communication, and communication is what connects the world and builds relationships and character. But value isn't always tangible. It comes from the environment the art enters as well as the artist's vision, and is infused through both by the thoughts and conversations it engenders. In the end, God manages the end worth no matter what I might try to do.

I'm striving to make growth a life-long quality, traceable in my art, but not limited to the boundaries of a frame. Because I am growing, there will always be more to share. So, instead of trying to force future value out of past accomplishments, I'm planting them here where they will either take root and grow in your lives or wither away as they would have done in the depths of my computer files anyway.


I simply can't afford to give tangible prints away to those who would love them.... But technology being what it is, I can freely share the files for you to print and enjoy.  I do hope you will enjoy!

My digital paintings have been used in gift cards and home-crafts. They can be printed on fabric for t-shirts or cushions, glued to surfaces for decorative effect, and otherwise enhanced by your creative flair. The sky is the limit!

If you or your children use my art in a creative way, I will build a collection of the photos you share or possibly wrap a blog post around them and link back to your home-site or even point my viewers to your own blog post ... if you would be so kind as to share the stories of your creative interaction with my work and spread the gift.

Here are two of the collections I'm offering for your use. I'll be sharing several more over the next few days. Click on the slideshow to see larger images, options for download, and the titles.



I'm making these works available under a creative commons attribution, non-commercial license, which means you have my permission to use and share them as long as you credit me and are not making a profit from any use of my art or attempting to use it to promote financial gain.

I am willing to sell licenses for some commercial uses. Contact me for further information if you think  my work would be useful in connection with your business marketing or products.

New Markers = Colored Art

I received 36 Copic markers today and immediately got started on using them.

First, I played.
Title:  "Copic Play"

Then I finished a little something that has been sitting in a folder for almost two years ... waiting for me to own colors.
Title:  "What Do You See?"








It's been a good day.




Colored originals will not be made available as prints. If you'd like one, email me an offer +shipping and insurance.

Offender

Locked up.
Blocked up.
Shut down.
Pulse-beat calls the air short
and fear tinges the spaces between
where deep breath cannot reach.
Understood phrases sink deep
into the darkness of nothing seen.
Cold eyes gaze upon trembling form
unwilling to glimpse hope or love,
and no words suit the reply
lest the offended claim
points to repay.
Five? Ten?
Might as well
count back the spirit lost
while awaiting the consequence
... of failing ...
again unforgiven.

---

How good it is to know that even if forgiveness is sparse in a human relationship, it is bountiful from God through Christ.

The Questioners

What is not believed might yet be true.
One against many, who will not agree,
may not be a fool....
If reality existed apart from Truth
sanity could not deduce
myth from what must be
or the difference
between lost and free. 


I am surrounded by people who ask questions, and I ask questions, too. The above poem was triggered by a not-quite-question written by a friend under the influence of philosophic thought ... that prompted me to look more closely at what I believe and why. 


When others question my foundation, then I study to know the answer and the reason I hold to that answer instead of rejecting the question. Questions can't destroy truth, though they can distract and lead away from it. Usually the way to figure out which way a question leads is to ask God the question. Once he has it by the nose and we look to him, we can figure out the end from the beginning, or whether there is anything of substance there at all.

There is a reason for the hope within me, though I can't count on my wisdom to instruct or explain. I believe I'm foolish by nature, foolish enough to think I can comprehend the incomprehensible in the face of clear evidence to the contrary. Foolish enough to admit I believe I'm sometimes wise even when I honestly think I know I'm not.


But ... trusting God for the answers that would never occur to me, I look for him to work through the tangible and the visual as well as the intellectual and mysterious of life. In the end, his answer is a story about his presence, and the story means more than the sum of its parts to any who live within it, watch for it, and listen. 


I try to share those portions of the story that change me ... in words and in art ... because whether I'm wise or not isn't the point. Touching the reality of God's presence will burn away that trivial matter, leaving it forgotten by the wayside as we gaze at him in awe. It's an experience that is meant to be shared. 


I encounter the story of his presence in the lives of so many ... and the awe? It multiplies.


Images:  from my series "A Solitary Life" 

Words Empty

This, a single word of censure
infused within superior scorn
causes a silence darker, greater
than the space my faith had formed.
Where do true thoughts burrow away
and hide within, without, somewhere?
Must this silence come to stay ...
or is there yet some grace to share?
Empty then and empty now
as tongue and lips must plainly show.
All I once spoke, forgetting how,
then came from places I don't know.
The route is lost and every turn
comes on my vacancy and lack.
God's countenance seems dark and stern.
I fear that he has turned his back.
Remember as I was back then
I am still now, there is no change.
It is not I who grew truth when
those thoughts once tumbled on the page.
Whose credit lost? I did not earn
the praise nor tribute I desire,
so if some listeners discern
a falsehood they attack by fire,
must I defend, prevent the fall?
I trust ... rely that truth disdains
the flames which would consume it all;
God will ensure his grace remains. 

Shibumi - a logo concept

It's a privilege to guest post today over at Shibumi Creative Works and share a logo I designed in response to Matt's open call for ideas.

Matthew E. May writes a fascinating blog full of ideas for creative interaction with the world around us in business, but also personally. I recommend you visit his site to learn more about him, since I've only known of him for a short while and have not yet had the privilege of reading his books.

Since I love the concept of shibumi, I had to illustrate the word even though I don’t consider myself a designer... keep reading

These Fearful Shadows

Darkness is evidence of the existence of light, proving by lack that light is blocked. 
Without light would we know of darkness?


In the same way, it seems:

Sin is evidence of the existence of holiness, proving by lack a distance from God.
Without God would we know of sin?


Distance from God produces fear, both of the holiness of his presence and of losing touch with him entirely. Following Christ toward him sets fear in the light to first threaten and obstruct, then fall to nothing. As we learn fear's nature (sourced in our own distance from holiness) it becomes no less fearsome to face, but more certain that each element will be destroyed. What a treasure it is to know God draws us nearer in order to eliminate the distance between us ... to destroy all sin.

It is a mystery to consider a world where light cannot be obstructed; where the presence of God is strength, inspiration, and direction for every action or thought.