Where the Courage Comes In

I need courage to wake up every morning, opening my eyes and rising up to face a day that will contain sin and brokenness just because I'm a part of it. The courage doesn't come from trying harder, though it dies a swift death when I give up hope; and it doesn't come from inflating my self-image either. I know very well that even my best intentions and greatest skills don't always contribute to a positive result. Courage comes by a simple fact, held up as more important than anything else.

I need not fear, for God is with me; nor be afraid, since he is my God.

When I ask, "Who am I to do any good?" God answers by telling me who he is, just as he did for Moses. The point has never been my qualities or lack thereof, but God's--so everyone will recognize the hand of the Master Artist at work in my life.

He designed good works for my life when he created the universe and now promises to help me not only live them out, but to desire to accomplish them. So even if I'm confused as to how I can do good, I can still look at God and trust him to demonstrate his grace through me. I'm never going to be good enough, though it is best to pursue the purest and highest, but the most overwhelming source of goodness I've found is entirely suspended within Christ.

He is wisdom, pursuing my heart and mind, so that when I find myself caught up in foolishness, I need only remember I wasn't designed to find wisdom within myself, but to look to his presence and Word where I will encounter what I lack, complete and sufficient for my needs.

His blessings and his maintenance of the world in which we dwell are the structures upon which every circumstance and relationship are based, so that even the cruelest and most incomprehensible events are superseded by his inevitable pattern to the point that the roots of growth sink deep where destruction seems inevitable.

Even intentional harm caused by those who don't believe will become constructive and beneficial as God's compassionate presence overwhelms all obstacles. As Joseph said to his brothers, "You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, in order to ... save many people alive." And if this is true, then the same comfort applies to the well-intentioned-yet-overwhelming expectations and judgements of those within the church who wish to see what they have learned of righteousness demonstrated in my life.

But in the end, the ultimate source of courage is in loving God with my entire heart, soul and mind. The repercussions of that focus will extend through my life as the righteous and grace-filled love he pours out unstintingly will overflow not only into the lives of those I desire to love, but also toward those whom I might consider enemies.

God is enough. He is not merely an idea, but a loving relationship and the provider of both correction and assistance toward becoming the person I was designed to be, connected to God as the source of all direction and meaning as it was in the beginning. Until the day I am remade, I count on the promises God has given to live in and through me.

Even when I am so depressed that no good thing seems possible, these facts remain true, independent of my mood or expectations. It is a strange thing to find myself in purposeful motion toward truth, and even filled with hope while darkness still wraps my emotions and confines my perspective. God IS ... and knowing that he is far larger than I can comprehend allows me to see my limits and accept that I don't understand everything.

It's okay for me to be insignificant since my God is so great that he distributes significance where he will, and promises to use the comfort he offers me to also comfort others.

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Quite frankly, there are so many verses to support the above comments that I couldn't possibly link them all. Also, I'm flawed, so I expect I do not yet comprehend the greatness of the blessings I have been given through believing in Christ.

I'd love to hear your experiences of this truth.

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Participating in:

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I Love Variety!

One of the beautiful gifts God has given me, that has deepened and become richer through the years, is the experience of living in a variety of cultures. I find so much joy and education in every chance to study the world under the instruction of hearts that approach life from a significantly different perspective.

Of course, when I first moved out of the familiar expectations and procedures of my missionary upbringing as a young teen, I wasn't so appreciative. I was confined by fear at the time. Now, I have grown used to North-Central U.S. American customs ... though I can't say I accept or understand them all. But I am richer for the loneliness I experienced, and have found a deeper and more unshakeable hope in God in exchange for walking through those dark days.

Cultural differences have become ever more fascinating. Families, each with their own traditions and ways of doing the day to day; churches, and the prevalent values and theories that permeate social and spiritual interactions; cities, with their programs and endeavors to guide the general atmosphere while still leaving room for the sub-cultures of various lifestyles--each colored by customs brought from around the world--all bump against one another in a continual flow that sometimes brings sparks of contention, yet still broadens and deepens the experience of all.

If I ever have the privilege of traveling internationally again, I would love to find a way to invest the time needed to really interact with those places. I want to participate in the lives of the people and countries I visit, both to bless them, if at all possible, and to learn the benefits of their culture from them.

For now I simply treasure the individuals who come my way, each unique and precious. So many have lived in the places I may never see and experienced a facet of the world which I will never know. What a beautiful complexity God has made possible!

Good Things God Gave

1. A son who gives gentle and firm hugs just because they make me happy and especially looks to give them when I seem sad.

2. A little princess who loves all things beautiful and really thinks the cats and roses I draw are amazing even though they're pretty average.

3. An eldest who loves to write, and still lets me read her stories even though I keep correcting her spelling and pointing out missing plot elements.

4. People who step out of nowhere just as I'm about to collapse into the pit of despair and say just a phrase or sentence to remind me that God still loves me and is at work in my life.

5. People who see my faults and sins that don't hesitate to point them out to me. (That one is a little hard to appreciate, but without them would I really see where God intends to work?)

Conflict and Questions

Opening my mouth before I'm perfect
means the world will see my heart before it's through,
and the building process going on inside me
isn't always the same method they would use.

It's hard to face the questions that they're asking,
and I'm not sure I believe they're always right;
still I know the things they say will change my thinking,
and the actions that flow from my heart and life.

I'm confused by their methods,
yet trust God to guide my heart,
still they declaim he doesn't work that way,
while I'm not sure how the mental switch that they expect of me
could ever change the choices that I make.

I've always asked questions, trusting God will answer,
knowing that he uses the local church and life,
but honestly ... do they want me to deceive
and claim that I am living where I've never yet arrived?

Guess I'll have to face the judgement in their eyes.

Eventually I'll break,
unsure what form to take.
Knowing I am shaped by sin,
I just don't think my will should win,
since even best intentions are corrupted by my pride.
Christ alone must rule me from inside.

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*sigh*

The Assignment

This week I've been given a task, daunting in my eyes, to record what I do every hour of the day for the next week. I was expecting to hate the process ... or to forget to do it, which is still possible. Instead, I am finding the process and it's effect on how I manage time to be very interesting. I may continue on for a month ... a year ... or for the rest of my life.

It's something like a daily schedule in reverse. And it's particularly useful since I'm writing things down as I go instead of waiting till later and hoping to remember.

You know, it is helping me think about what I do and why I do it. It's also giving me another point of focus to help me keep moving even through this depression.

A few years ago I'd have been asleep for the past month or few. Somehow, though, I'm continuing to interact with people, learn, grow, and even attempt to contribute something positive into the lives around me. There isn't that much difference in my mood between then and now. The emotions are the same.

What is the difference?

1. I'm not even bothering to wonder if God really is good. He has already proven it to me, so if I can't see what good these circumstances will bring just now, it just means I don't know something. I remind myself that it's okay not to know the why of every part of life. If I could, I wouldn't be human.

2. I'm not counting on my own skills, wisdom, abilities, or talents to get me through this. I'm already completely confident that I am entirely inadequate for the task, and that nobody I know can make this circumstance easier or better ... or just eliminate it. In other words, this is something that can't turn out well, humanly speaking. Acknowledging this ensures I turn in the right direction for help.

3. I'm doing my best to live honestly, being openly confused and transparent about intentions and perspectives even if they may be sinful, while always pursuing understanding of God's character and holiness. I don't need to see how it will happen ahead of time in order to count on God's promise to pour through me all the things I am not--from the core of my soul out into my actions.

4. I'm counting on God's promises and expecting him to conform me to his will starting with my heart's desire and moving out through emotion and intention into the actions others will see. The process of pursuing him isn't a series of leaps from perfect response to perfect conformity, but rather a continual process of studying him, asking for insight from both the Spirit and the church, and a lot of prayer. People tend to look for conformity over and above actual transformation, and I've been a bit of a conundrum for those who are attempting to counsel me through this since I've decided not to prevaricate to the best of my ability, but to find my way to the best action by setting my heart on Christ alone as my hope and motivation.

5. I've discovered that God's character trumps everything I want. When I'm having a hard time sticking it out the one thing that keeps me going is a deep and compelling desire to watch and experience what God can do in impossible situations. Since he has promised to give me good things no matter what, then I'm looking to see what those good things are. I'll let you know, too, since that's an additional benefit ... the ability to share the story of God at work.

6. I'm tracking every good thing I can think of. One could say I'm practicing gratitude ... though I'm not so good at it these days. It's easier when I'm happy and relaxed.

Back to the assignment ... it turns out it was a good thing, even though I dreaded it. We'll see whether I stick to it though ... my brain has a vast gap, so things tend to fall out easily.

Life is Beautiful

I just want to affirm this, since I've been going through such a depression that my chest cavity seems filled to the brim with a rancid tar which pumps through my veins and clogs my tear-ducts so I can't cry. My words taste black even when I am doing my best to remind myself of hope. I don't want to stain the air, so I hide most of them away.

Art has hidden behind my eyes. I am afraid to search for fear that I won't find it. The best I have been able to do is carry my camera and pursue beauty through the lens in hopes that this act will open the lock on creativity. 

I am afraid that nothing I do has meaning, that it is all pointless and valueless ... or even damaging. 

I am suspended on a single strand of light that tangles through my heart and burns my mind. Without it the tar would seep through my skin and all I fear would become a deadly reality. I don't have to supply my own worth, so I can hope that inspiration will enter every small effort toward positive contribution and bring the greater meaning that tantalizes my dreams. 

I trust in a Genius not my own and, since God is good, the beautiful that life is will someday break through into my reality once again. 

Today I remembered that there is always a strand of light to anchor hope against even the darkest blackness. Yesterday I told myself it was true and didn't believe it. Tomorrow I will remind myself again, even if it hides away from simple understanding. 

And maybe I will find where art locked itself away and convince it to hang out with me again. 

Until then ... this is where I am. 

I'm sorry it is taking so long to vanquish this state, but hopefully I will be drawing and painting again soon.

The Answer

This, a blessing no man could bring
along with worth and meaning,
poured out by grace from God above,
below, beside, within … His love.
It shines most bright when we’re at a loss
and can’t see reason behind the cost
of sin and the broken earth
that hates to mourn and grasps for mirth.
No solution will ring as true
as Christ, the answer to hearts confused.

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Inspired by this post about a quaking world at A Different Story.

Why do I Create?

Art should touch the heart with feeling and bring new thoughts to mind. It should launch new ideas and encapsulate memories. It should tell the secrets of the heart in such a way that those who are without words can use it to express their meaning.

This is what I want to do with my life.

And though I feel inadequate to the task, there is always faith for inspiration since God breathes into our souls and, when we breathe out, His influence touches the world.

Making Jewelry ... a choker.

I've been wearing this ribbon invention for a while, just tied around my neck. However, every time I bent over, the bands would slip tighter due to the weight of the pendant ... and I'd literally come closer and closer to choking.

I made my own findings, since I don't think they make them to hold ribbon (plus, they're expensive!) and had fun playing with the wire even if they are a little ragged. I put clips on the low-hanging band so I can exchange pendants or remove it altogether.

Anyway, just posting "something" as an update. I hope your Father's Day was splendiforous! 

Sinking

It's hard not to struggle or give in to fear,
hard to breathe deep when drowning,
hard to sink into darkness
and trust.
I will still thrive below,
awash in light though I may not see
deeper, the presence of Christ I know.

Image:  Refractive multicolored nightlight against the wall.

Misty Light

Earth exhaled moisture,

a vaporous breath of warmth 

veiled light, mystery.

Poetic form:  haiku

Photos:  These are some of the coolest pictures I've taken in a while, down within a few inches of the earth. Up higher, my lens cleared and they were sharp, but down low the glass would fog and collect the light reflecting off the flowers (which had caught my eye in the first place).

With this one I deepened the shadows significantly, since the fog had such an eerie quality.

Ugly to Pretty Wall before&after

shelf paper & scissors & ugly wall = Pretty Wall

This is my bashed-up wall with holes in it.
(Old cable line, now removed.)

I free-hand cut shelf paper into simple rose-petals ... based on the way I always sketch them when I'm bored, and stuck them on the wall.


 I like it, anyway. *grin*


(and I didn't have to hunt down the filler and paint) And, whenever I'm ready to fix the actual problem, the shelf paper will peel right off. (Note that this paint is semi-glossy. Matte paint may change the ease of removal.)

Contained

I went to the rain

since it knows how to cry,

and felt the tears pound

against dry, shuttered eyes.

Only the Maker can reach so deep

to bottle the ocean I'll never weep.

My First Stop-Motion Drawing

I've been wanting to try stop-motion for a while, and finally set up the camera to take a series of photos of this drawing as it grew. It's not fancy (or long) but hopefully it's a little entertaining.

Credit to Frank Mills for the Happy Song.

Finding My Style - Desires of the Heart

Life is a series of changes in mind and heart. I was not yesterday where I am today, nor am I today where I will be tomorrow. There is no stopping to take a breath. Life moves forward whether I am ready or not to face it, and often the concepts under which I shelter aren't durable enough to survive the wear and tear of reality.

I find myself walking in the rags and remnants of ideas that once seemed pristine and beautiful, wondering where that bright white robe God promised might be found. I cannot borrow the belief or the faith of others for my own, though as a temporary measure it may seem sufficient. Eventually, the garment must be tailored to who I am or it will evidence in a too-tight or too-loose fit, destructive or easily destroyed.

While God's garments are made entirely of the same righteous cloth for all, he designs each one to fit the individual, not as they perceive themselves, but as they actually are. I cannot inform God of what will look good on me, knowing I live in a world of circus mirrors where even the most simple reflection can be deceiving.

His clothing doesn't merely disguise a misaligned spine, it corrects the deformity. And in this there is both grace and discomfort. It is uncomfortable to heal, to become stronger, to grow, to be shaped by a will that is not my own. But I choose to wear his garments because they change me, and by doing so I align my will with God's.

I know when rags and tatters become evident, that this is a garment that must be given into the hands of the master-tailor. When I rely on him, he will shape his righteousness around me, constricting me from wrong decisions and aligning me with what is right. And, one day, when I am straightened and true, the garment will flow over my restored form with the unimpeded beauty for which it was designed.